Effectively assert your needs and set boundaries.

# DEAR MAN

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## Definition

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**DEAR MAN** is a core DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skill that teaches you how to ask for what you want or say no to requests assertively while maintaining self-respect and healthy relationships.

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## Purpose

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Used to:

- Effectively express needs and boundaries.
- Improve the likelihood of getting your objectives met.
- Reduce anxiety about asserting yourself.
- Enhance relationships by being clear and direct.

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## When to Use

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Use this skill when:

- You need to ask for something important.
- You must say no but want to do so skillfully.
- You want to negotiate a compromise.
- You feel resentment building up due to unexpressed needs.

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## When *Not* to Use

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Avoid using if:

- You or the other person is in an extreme crisis (consider Distress Tolerance first).
- Timing is poor (e.g., high emotion, lack of privacy).
- Your goal is to vent rather than problem-solve.

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## How-To

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**DEAR MAN** is an acronym:

**D – Describe**

- Clearly describe the situation without judgment.
- Example: “Yesterday, you interrupted me three times during the meeting.”

**E – Express**

- Share how you feel or what you believe.
- Example: “I felt frustrated and dismissed.”

**A – Assert**

- State what you need or want.
- Example: “I’d like you to let me finish speaking.”

**R – Reinforce**

- Explain positive outcomes of cooperation.
- Example: “That way, we can work better as a team.”

**M – Mindful**

- Stay focused on your goal.
- Ignore distractions, attacks, or attempts to derail.
- Example: Broken record technique—repeat your request calmly.

**A – Appear Confident**

- Use a steady voice, eye contact, and open body language.

**N – Negotiate**

- Be willing to give to get.
- Offer alternatives or ask for suggestions.

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## Tips & Variations

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- Rehearse what you’ll say to feel prepared.
- Write down your DEAR MAN script beforehand.
- Use *GIVE* skills to maintain relationships.
- Pair with *FAST* skills to protect self-respect.
- If you feel shaky, practice with a trusted person first.

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## Example

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*Scenario: Asking for a project deadline extension.*

**D:** “The last two weeks, I’ve been managing multiple urgent client requests.”

**E:** “I feel overwhelmed and concerned about the quality of my work.”

**A:** “I’d like to request a two-day extension.”

**R:** “This will help me ensure the project meets our standards.”

**M:** Stay focused if your boss tries to change the topic.

**A:** Keep steady voice and posture.

**N:** “If two days isn’t possible, could I have until end of day tomorrow?”

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## Inventor / Origin

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Developed by **Marsha Linehan, PhD**, as part of DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills training.

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## Related Skills

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- GIVE (to keep relationships)
- FAST (to maintain self-respect)
- Opposite Action (to approach conflict)

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## Limitations

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May not be effective if:

- The other person is unwilling to negotiate.
- You use it in a highly emotional or volatile situation.
- You are unclear about your objective.

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## Evidence Base

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Research shows:

- Assertiveness training improves relationship satisfaction.
- Structured communication increases chances of getting needs met.
- Practicing DEAR MAN reduces interpersonal anxiety.

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## Further Reading

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- *DBT Skills Training Manual* by Marsha Linehan
- [Assertiveness: APA resource](https://www.apa.org/topics/communication/assertiveness)
- *The Assertiveness Workbook* by Randy Paterson

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## References

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- Linehan, M.M. (2015). *DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition*. Guilford Press.
- Paterson, R. (2000). *The Assertiveness Workbook*. New Harbinger Publications.
- Bower, S.A., & Bower, G.H. (2004). *Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change*. Da Capo Press.

DEAR MAN

Protect your self-respect during interactions.

# FAST Skill

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## Definition

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**FAST** is a DBT skill set focused on maintaining your **self-respect effectiveness** during interpersonal interactions. The acronym stands for:

- **F**air
- **A**pologies (limited)
- **S**tick to values
- **T**ruthful

It helps you stand up for yourself, communicate clearly, and keep your integrity even under pressure.

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## Purpose

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Used to:

- Maintain self-respect in difficult conversations.
- Avoid compromising your values to please others.
- Reduce guilt and resentment that arise from ignoring your needs.
- Communicate assertively without aggression or passivity.

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## When to Use

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Use FAST when:

- You are tempted to compromise your principles to avoid conflict.
- You are setting a boundary.
- You feel pressured to apologize unnecessarily.
- You need to remain true to yourself in a disagreement.
- You want to ensure you respect yourself after the interaction.

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## When *Not* to Use

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Avoid using if:

- The interaction requires compromise for safety or crisis resolution.
- You are emotionally dysregulated (use distress tolerance first).
- The context is purely about relationship repair (consider GIVE).

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## How-To

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**1. F – Be Fair**

   - Be fair to yourself and the other person.
   - Acknowledge your feelings and theirs.

**2. A – No Apologies (or limit them)**

   - Don’t over-apologize for existing, having needs, or disagreeing.
   - Apologize only when appropriate.

**3. S – Stick to Your Values**

   - Stay committed to your principles.
   - Do not sell out your beliefs to gain approval.

**4. T – Be Truthful**

   - Don’t exaggerate, lie, or make excuses.
   - Be honest about what you think and feel.

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## Tips & Variations

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- Practice using a calm, confident tone.
- Combine FAST with DEAR MAN if you need both assertiveness and self-respect.
- Role-play situations where you tend to give in.
- Use reminders (e.g., sticky notes with "FAST") before conversations.

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## Example

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*Scenario: Your friend wants you to lend them money you’re uncomfortable parting with.*

- **Fair:** “I know this is stressful for you, and I also have to take care of my own expenses.”
- **Apologies:** “I’m sorry, but I can’t” (one genuine apology, not repeated).
- **Stick to Values:** “It’s important to me to stay financially stable.”
- **Truthful:** “I don’t feel comfortable lending money right now.”

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## Inventor / Origin

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Created by **Marsha Linehan, PhD**, as part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy to help individuals preserve self-respect during interpersonal exchanges.

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## Related Skills

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- DEAR MAN (assertiveness)
- GIVE (relationship effectiveness)
- Radical Acceptance
- Mindfulness

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## Limitations

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May not be effective if:

- Safety is at risk.
- The situation requires urgent compromise.
- The other person is not receptive to assertive communication.

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## Evidence Base

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Research shows:

- FAST increases assertiveness and reduces resentment.
- Helps individuals with BPD maintain boundaries.
- Improves self-esteem by aligning actions with values.

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## Further Reading

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- *DBT Skills Training Manual* by Marsha Linehan
- [Assertiveness Skills – Therapist Aid](https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-guide/assertive-communication)
- *Radical Acceptance* by Tara Brach

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## References

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- Linehan, M.M. (2015). *DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition*. Guilford Press.
- Bohus, M., & Wolf-Arehult, M. (2019). *Interpersonal Skills for Emotion Regulation*. Hogrefe Publishing.
- Fruzzetti, A.E. (2006). *The High Conflict Couple*. New Harbinger Publications.

FAST

Maintain healthy relationships with kindness and validation.

# GIVE

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## Definition

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**GIVE** is a core DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skill designed to help you maintain and strengthen relationships while communicating your needs. It emphasizes respect, validation, and a gentle approach.

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## Purpose

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Used to:

- Improve closeness and trust in relationships.
- Communicate effectively without damaging connection.
- Balance assertiveness with kindness.
- Maintain relationships during conflicts or disagreements.

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## When to Use

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Use this skill when:

- You want to ask for something but also protect the relationship.
- You are setting a boundary with someone important to you.
- You need to resolve conflict without escalating tension.
- You’re concerned about hurting someone’s feelings.

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## When *Not* to Use

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Avoid using if:

- You need to be extremely firm or direct (DEAR MAN may be better).
- The other person is abusive or threatening.
- You are in an emergency situation requiring clear boundaries.

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## How-To

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**GIVE** is an acronym:

**G – Gentle**

- Be courteous and temperate.
- No attacks, threats, or judging.
- Example: “I understand this is hard to hear.”

**I – Interested**

- Listen and appear interested.
- Maintain eye contact.
- Don’t interrupt or look distracted.

**V – Validate**

- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, thoughts, or difficulties.
- Example: “I see that you’re frustrated.”

**E – Easy Manner**

- Use humor if appropriate.
- Smile, relax your body.
- Keep the tone light to lower defensiveness.

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## Tips & Variations

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- Practice in low-stakes situations first.
- Use a calm, steady voice.
- If emotions escalate, pause and return when calmer.
- Combine GIVE with DEAR MAN if you are both requesting and maintaining the relationship.
- Remember: Validation does not mean agreeing.

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## Example

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*Scenario: Telling a friend you can’t attend their event.*

**Gentle:** “I really appreciate the invite.”

**Interested:** “Can you tell me more about how it’s going to work?”

**Validate:** “I know you were counting on me being there.”

**Easy Manner:** Smile gently. “I wish I could, but I have other plans. Maybe we can catch up afterward.”

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## Inventor / Origin

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Developed by **Marsha Linehan, PhD**, as part of DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills training.

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## Related Skills

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- DEAR MAN (assertive requests)
- FAST (self-respect effectiveness)
- Validation skills
- Active Listening

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## Limitations

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May not be effective if:

- The other person is unwilling to reciprocate respect.
- You are too upset to stay gentle or validating.
- You are in a toxic relationship where boundaries are repeatedly ignored.

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## Evidence Base

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Research shows:

- Validating and gentle communication reduces conflict.
- Skills like GIVE can increase satisfaction and trust.
- Using GIVE regularly helps maintain positive relationships over time.

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## Further Reading

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- *DBT Skills Training Manual* by Marsha Linehan
- [Effective Communication Tips – Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/communication/art-20044735)
- *Nonviolent Communication* by Marshall Rosenberg

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## References

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- Linehan, M.M. (2015). *DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition*. Guilford Press.
- Rosenberg, M.B. (2003). *Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life*. PuddleDancer Press.
- Fruzzetti, A.E. (2006). *The High Conflict Couple: A DBT Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy & Validation*. New Harbinger Publications.

GIVE

Balance objectives, relationships, and self-respect.

# Interpersonal Effectiveness

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## Definition

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**Interpersonal Effectiveness** is a set of DBT skills designed to help individuals communicate their needs and desires clearly, maintain healthy relationships, and keep their self-respect. These skills balance assertiveness with respect and aim to achieve goals in social interactions.

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## Purpose

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Used to:

- Ask for what you want or need effectively.
- Say no while preserving the relationship.
- Build and maintain positive relationships.
- Maintain self-respect in interactions.

---

## When to Use

---

Use these skills when:

- You need to make a request or assert a boundary.
- You feel conflicted between your needs and preserving a relationship.
- You’re concerned about how you are perceived.
- You are navigating conflict or negotiation.
- You want to be more skillful in interpersonal situations.

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## When *Not* to Use

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Avoid using if:

- The interaction is physically unsafe.
- The other person is unwilling to engage respectfully.
- You’re too emotionally dysregulated to be skillful (use distress tolerance skills first).

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## How-To

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Interpersonal Effectiveness is often taught through three skill sets:

1. **Objective Effectiveness (DEAR MAN)**

   - Getting what you want.

   - *Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate.*

2. **Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE)**

   - Maintaining or improving the relationship.

   - *Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner.*

3. **Self-Respect Effectiveness (FAST)**

   - Maintaining your own values and self-respect.

   - *Fair, Apologies (no excessive), Stick to values, Truthful.*

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## Tips & Variations

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- Decide which goal is most important (objective, relationship, or self-respect) before interacting.
- Practice role-playing challenging situations.
- Use mindfulness to notice judgments or assumptions.
- Validate yourself even if the other person doesn’t validate you.

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## Example

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*Scenario: Asking a coworker to stop interrupting you in meetings.*

- **Objective Effectiveness:** “I’d appreciate it if you could let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”

- **Relationship Effectiveness:** “I value your input and want to keep our teamwork positive.”

- **Self-Respect Effectiveness:** “It’s important to me to speak up respectfully.”

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## Inventor / Origin

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Developed by **Marsha Linehan, PhD**, as part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help clients navigate relationships and assert needs without harming connection or self-respect.

---

## Related Skills

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- DEAR MAN (assertiveness)
- GIVE (relationship maintenance)
- FAST (self-respect)
- Validation
- Mindfulness of current interactions

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## Limitations

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May not be effective if:

- The person you are engaging with is abusive.
- Safety is at risk.
- You are emotionally flooded and unable to use skills calmly.

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## Evidence Base

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Research shows:

- Interpersonal Effectiveness skills improve communication, self-confidence, and relationship satisfaction.
- Practicing these skills reduces interpersonal conflict and increases assertiveness.
- Used widely in DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder, but effective for anyone seeking better communication.

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## Further Reading

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- *DBT Skills Training Manual* by Marsha Linehan
- [Assertiveness Training – Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/assertiveness)
- *Nonviolent Communication* by Marshall Rosenberg

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## References

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- Linehan, M.M. (2015). *DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition*. Guilford Press.
- Bohus, M., & Wolf-Arehult, M. (2019). *Interpersonal Skills for Emotion Regulation*. Hogrefe Publishing.
- Fruzzetti, A.E. (2006). *The High Conflict Couple*. New Harbinger Publications.

Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Tools

DEAR MAN

FAST

GIVE

Interpersonal Effectiveness